hi i retired for like 4 years and forgot everything
you waited this long lol wait more
Delivered for satirical purposes only.
- Blind turns
- Too many boost panels (catching up is not allowed!)
- Too many cannons (anything to make the game more automatic)
- Portals or lazily-linked themes
- Enemies that move 120+ KM/h
- Boost panels on the obviously still-slower split path
- Sticky road is not a substitute for smoothness
- Jump pads for when fixed speed is not required
- Clearly only tested with Mach Bike
- Direction-biased jumps
- "Anywhere but the middle" jumps
- Why does Bowser have so many not-castles again?
- Of course the Bullet Bill has to drop me off mid-180° turn
- Entire course is made of right angles
- I can download my own music, thank you
- I don't feel like decorating, so here's a sea and a bridge
- Bouncy Mushrooms in original tracks! Or you can just redesign..
- Required tricking!
- Required not tricking!
- "No small people allowed" jumps
- You know you can remove those nonworking replay cameras? Right?
- Sideways flat slopes
- Wait, wasn't that same texture off-road a few minutes ago?
- Wait, this same texture is both road and wall?
- Th-th-this feels a bit-bit-bit bumpy
- Oh sorry, you missed the road when it started getting randomly fenced? Go back around
- Bouncy metal grates! Because that makes sense...
- How else are they going to know my CT has fire in it?
- Sunset track! I guess it has... stuff
- Only smooth pavement should sound like smooth pavement
- A random obstacle appears in your path while you jump over a hill!
- Unlicensed, forced ownership of a track to a Nintendo character
- Rosalina doesn't love you
- Why you'd put that obstacle way out there? You know we're just going to take the lines
- You put big obstacles on the lines? Meanie
- Plagiarism in an "original track"
- Where the heck do I go
- I think this................. lags a little
- That is not a turn. That is not what a turn looks like
- You failed this section? DO IT AGAIN
- Glitch? Eh, we'll fix it later
- Bridges ≠ floating, paper-thin roads
- Oh, that's not a real word? It is now
- You're not supposed to go that way, but I didn't feel like hiring a fencer
- No road UV mapping
- Paper-thin concrete walls
- Pointless trick, because boost panel right after it
- Slippery road in tight spaces, because the author hates you
- Eh, we'll make it look interesting later
- Wait, where is that coming from? It doesn't appear to have a source
- You came out a little wide? You get a perpendicular wall
- Don't you remember what these original Objects do if you can hit them?
- Starting area walled in? Are you that worried about exploits?
- Drop down by hitting a wall, losing all prior speed and be forced to rely on tricks or boost panels
- What's the point of the 2nd layer of metal grid again?
- Ground movement illusions
- Well, it's not like we're able to check both ways before crossing the street
- I know it's hard to choose a wall SFX, but sometimes a rock is just a rock
- The outermost pixel of your character touched the cliff? You fall off
- Realistic textures in a cartoony game
- You don't think that cannon/boost/item row is a bit too close to the finish line?
- Boost ramp isn't connected to the wall, which results in a fall boundary or an awkward skip
- Why are these respawns so high?
- Why are these respawns so low?
- Why does this track have both!?
- Why are these respawns so low?
- Why is there so much open space? This isn't an adventure game
- Don't you think the ramp and off-road are in reverse order?
- Boost/trick ramp sends you too far, resulting in skipping the upcoming platform and falling
- Middle of the cannon is the only safe entry point
- You know respawns have slots, right?
- Ugh, I was going to make that jump anyway, you meanie
- Sideways cannons, because I don't feel like making proper transitions
- There's really no need to make a course absolutely bonkers. Really.
- Enemies can't decide if they want to take tight lines or wide lines
- Why is there a boost panel no one can reach, because of bumpiness?
- Oh, now you decide I'm out of bounds
- New tracks that belong in 2011
- Nope, you can only take the slow route this lap
- I hope you know that you move slower in the air than on land
- You may think you fixed the glitch, but you didn't!
- Now it's even worse!
- You've established a meta? Time to change all the rules with this update
- You will never convince me that corkscrews are fun or interesting
- Physics and sticky tricks go together like oil and water
- My tires are 5 inches off the ground, so obviously this is a trick opportunity
And for the most important one:
- Hey, maybe I just suck, but I'm going to blame the author for it anyway
3DS Rock Rock Mountain —
DS Airship Fortress —
DS Luigi's Mansion —
DS Mario Circuit —
DS Wario Stadium
GBA Luigi Circuit — N64 Banshee Boardwalk — N64 Frappe Snowland — N64 Kalimari Desert — N64 Koopa Troopa Beach
N64 Luigi Raceway — N64 Yoshi Valley — SM64 Castle Grounds — SNES Choco Island 2 — SNES Donut Plains 1
SNES Ghost Valley 1 — SNES Koopa Beach 2
MKDS Standard Kart